Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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