He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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