i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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