I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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