i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
