I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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