i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
