Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
