The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
