sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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