So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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