Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
