I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
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