Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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