take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
