Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
