It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
