I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
