i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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