It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
