I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
