I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
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I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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