Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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