It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
