I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
