i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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