You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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