I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
