I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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