he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
COCAINE IS GR8
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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