Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
