If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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