no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
