You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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