woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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