I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
