UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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