You smell like a Billy Joel song
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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