mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
