Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Your dad touched me again.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
