My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
