remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
