I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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