four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
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And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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