I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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