Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
