I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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