totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's rum buckets o'clock
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
