so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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