if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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