things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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