i jhust puked up my retainher.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
What a dumb baby whore.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
