8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just want nice things and good sex
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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