Will you blow on my dice?
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
