Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
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I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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